Healing the Shadow

“I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, fade it, or fix it.”
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I realized yesterday that there was a deep trauma that has been weighing on me for nearly a year. At the point when I realized that I’d allowed this particular trauma to repress itself so deeply into my subconscious, I felt wildly uncomfortable. Beyond that, I felt angry that it was me who had to confront this trauma. I felt scared to peer into the darkness that I know this memory holds. ⠀
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I spent almost a year of my life hating my body. I loathed every inch of it. I was scared to look beyond the tough skin I had created to fortify myself from pain, for beyond it existed scars I wasn’t ready to see. ⠀
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I hated my body because of an event that I experienced that I couldn’t even grasp. An event that made me want to crawl inside myself and become so small that my body would barely suffice as a paperweight.
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Yesterday, I received an invitation to confront this pain. I decided to embrace stillness and sit with the part of myself that felt broken, instead of running from it.⠀
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Your shadow — your unconscious darkness, will have you believe a number of things. ⠀
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I am unworthy. ⠀
I am not good enough. ⠀
I am unlovable. ⠀
I am broken.⠀
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You are none of these beliefs. ⠀
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You may feel these things - you may feel unworthy, or feel broken. But find solace in the reality that these things are not true. You are not your feelings. ⠀
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I felt broken, and now I find myself healing. I find myself laughing again and giving long hugs and having crushes and seeing joy and purpose and meaning in every part of life. I am so proud of who I am becoming. I no longer mourn who I used to be. I wouldn’t wish away even a second of suffering, for it has brought me here. ⠀
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My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered at trauma’s hands. My heart goes out to anyone who feels so hurt that forgiveness seems out of reach; to anyone who has been hurt by another or hurt by themselves.
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Looking into darkness is courageous, and you are brave. This is your invitation. ⠀
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Extra love from me to you all today 🤍