My Story: Owning the Messy
As the title to this quaint section suggests, here’s some more about me and the life that I so often rave about. If you follow @kalewithcail, you’re probably familiar with many aspects of my story, but here’s my best try at a summary of an absolutely exceptional, miraculous nineteen years.
For some background, I’m born in July - so I’m a cancer, for anyone reading who isn’t acquainted with astrology. I have a passion for wellness, and am a self-proclaimed vulnerability advocate. Writing is my deepest love. I also enjoy traveling quite a bit, reading beautiful books & listening to podcasts more than I listen to my own thoughts.
I’m the youngest of three siblings, and although I’ve stepped into maturity in my later teenage years, I fulfilled pretty much every youngest sibling stereotype in the book as a child. A diva of the highest order. While I’ve certainly changed a great deal since my days mastering the art of sass, I look back on my child self very fondly. I admire the way she so unabashedly called the shots and embraced the spotlight. While I live by the mantra “do no harm, take no shit”, I think that I’ve really been living the “take no shit” part since I learned my first words. Little Cail would be incredibly proud to see how far she’s come since her days as a local nuisance.
I was born in Connecticut, and moved to a beautiful town in Northern New Jersey soon after, where I’d attend thirteen years of schooling and begin my lacrosse career. In retrospect, I feel incredibly lucky to have grown up where I did. Growing up right outside of New York City had far more value than I ever could’ve recognized as a child; it taught me work ethic and practicality and to have big dreams. Although, in the moment, I was anti-small-new-jersey town and anti-dirty-scary-city. We’ll call it a coming of age story, I suppose.
I skipped the “play every sport” and "go to daycare everyday” stage that most children had. I declared to my parents that daycare “wasn’t for me” and unenrolled.I dabbled in a few things - soccer, ice skating, piano - none of which lasted very long. I settled on competitive cheerleading and lacrosse, and although I would eventually quit cheer to pursue lacrosse full-time, the two sports would shape my story more than I ever could’ve anticipated.
I developed an eating disorder at age eleven, which I didn’t realize was abnormal, given the naïveté that dominates our minds as children. I wasn’t aware that what I was experiencing actually had a name or a diagnosis, despite the obvious concern of the people around me. By the beginning of high school, I’d subconsciously recovered.
Most of high school was underwhelming. Nothing catastrophic. I really found my love for academics during high school, so most of my time was either spent studying or playing lacrosse. I committed to play lacrosse at Vanderbilt University as a Junior. I found incredible friends senior year, but struggled intensely throughout the year with depression and disordered eating. The pandemic was a relief for me. All I’d wanted all year was to shrink into nothingness and be alone in my room. My wish was granted. I spent months alone trying to gain control of my life. Grasping at straws, my mind decided that food would be my mark of control. I suffered in silence for months before opening up to my family about how debilitating my eating disorder had become over the course of quarantine. All the while, I’d share food and lifestyle posts on @kalewithcail. The epitome of health on social media and yet the most unhealthy mind.
I went off to college, still struggling quietly. Anyone who experienced their freshman year of college during the pandemic can tell you: it wasn’t healthy place to be. After a few weeks, I knew I needed to go home, and so I did. If you couldn’t tell by this point in my little story - I’m incredibly self assured. I’ve always followed my intuition, and in this case it told me to get on a plane home. I opted out of lacrosse and returned to New Jersey to work as a personal trainer until I decided to go back to Nashville later in the fall and rejoin my team. Stay with me guys, this is where it starts to get miraculous.
In January of 2021, I chose to begin my eating disorder recovery journey. And let me just say, FUCK YEAH I DID THAT! I crushed it. I was absolutely terrified, and I crushed it. I stood in the face of my fear and looked my eating disorder in the eye and told it that it had taken enough from me. I wanted my life back, and I took it. This is really when I began sharing on @kalewithcail about my struggles with eating and body-image.
Still, the year was riddled with struggles as I gained my footing at school and in lacrosse, but as second semester came to a close, I knew for sure that Vanderbilt was home. I’d met incredible people, taken extraordinary classes, and fallen in love with my life there.
I came back from school happier than I’d been in years, but I still wasn’t sure where lacrosse fit into the equation. I’d suffered a pretty intense concussion mid-season, and spent the rest of my time at school away from the sport. It was clear to me that I needed to step away and reevaluate why I played, and if it was something I wanted to pursue. After a handful of nights sobbing to my parents and best friend, watching my team go to the NCAA tournament without me, taking weeks to myself, and consulting some role models in my life, I decided with great certainty that lacrosse was something I didn’t want to give up; my depression had convinced me that I had fallen out of love with the sport that once brought me so much joy, and that is one of the greatest tragedies of this entire story. I recognized that I still loved lacrosse, and committed myself to the sport once again. Presently, I feel so connected to my identity as an athlete and lacrosse player, and am incredibly grateful for the patience of my coaches, the support of my parents, and the love that my teammates have shown me.
It was the hardest year of my life thus far. I’ve taken to calling 18 my “dumpster fire of a year” because it was nothing short of a hot mess. But a whole lot of garbage burned, and I wouldn’t change a second of it to be where I am now. I’m certain that every time I was forced with a decision to make, I made the best decision for myself at the time. I never betrayed my own trust, and thus I never failed myself.
So, here we are, now. Currently, I’m a sophomore at Vanderbilt University in Nashville, Tennessee studying Communications of Science, Engineering & Technology with a minor in creative writing, and playing on the women’s lacrosse team.
I am constantly surrounded by amazing people and am the happiest I’ve ever been. The smile that I once thought I lost forever has returned wider and brighter than every before. Every inch of life has become so beautiful to me. The mistakes, the wins, the failures. All of it. I love it all. I call myself “A student of life” because it’s truly what I am. I am constantly, and frankly, obsessively, seeking knowledge and wisdom and spiritual guidance. I’m intensely curious about everything around me, and approach all aspects of life with compassion. I believe my purpose in life to be healing. On the other side of the “hurt people hurt people” coin is “healed people heal people.” I am here to help others heal the way I found healing myself. @kalewithcail has spanned so far beyond food that I almost find the name comical. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I ate kale. That’s why I’ve named my website “Own Your Story.” I want people to embrace vulnerability and feel proud to tell their story and to show their wounds that are still in the process of healing, as well as their badass scars, without shame. Being able to share my story and have people listen and be inspired has been the greatest blessing, and I want to share that gift with the world. So together, let’s own our stories. This is just a sliver of my story, and I will continue to share my life and my heart with this community.