My (humble) College Advice
Last week during Sunday Questions, I asked you guys what you wanted to know/what you needed advice on and the responses were overwhelmingly dominated by inquiries about all-things college. Given that I myself am only going to be a sophomore and have just one year of covid-college under my belt, please know that my advice and opinions are merely based on my experience. The advice that follows is not the be-all and end-all of your college life. It’s just what I would’ve liked to hear before beginning my freshman year. I’ll have a few posts coming up addressing more of college life, including a lengthy post on exploring sober-curiosity in our “prime partying years”. Keep on the look out for that if you so please, but for now here is my humble guidance. I could go on and on about these things, but I wanted to get them to you guys before you actually left for school. Xx.
Part I: Eating in College
Eating in college — this is a hot topic. First of all, let’s address why eating in college (especially for girls) is a source of stress. At the root of it lies terms like “the freshman 15” and “the sorority 40.” We live most of our teenage lives aware of the idea that college = weight gain, and because women especially are conditioned to be terrified of gaining weight, we enter college fixated on it. We make silent promises to ourselves: I will not gain the freshman 15. It’s almost like a challenge: college girl versus society. If you gain weight, you experience a shameful loss and society reigns victorious. But if you can manage to stay the size you were when you entered college, or even lose weight, then somehow you win.
You go home for winter break and relatives tell you “you look so good!” or “you've filled out!” You’re either reminded that you’ve beat the “freshman 15” or that you’ve fallen victim to it. Frankly, it’s some of the biggest bullshit that society has conjured up. And it’s not exclusive to women by any means. I’ve witnessed male friends of mine experience intense insecurity over the weight they gained at school, returning home for the summer committed to shedding every pound they put on because they’re ashamed that the khakis their mom bought them when they were 16 are too tight.
Let me be clear: I am not saying that you can’t lose weight. Do whatever you want — it’s none of my business. There are plenty of times that I myself have looked in the mirror and heard my mind swell with critical voices: “your jawline isn’t as chiseled as it used to be” or “your chest used to be way flatter, does that mean you’ve gained fat? Are you losing muscle?” It’s literally crippling. I’m fortunate enough to have perspective on my body, knowing that it is merely a vessel through which I share love, and thus I don’t listen to these absurd voices. But they’re definitely there. And sometimes it’s hard not to eavesdrop on their shit-talking.
The bottom line is: do what makes you feel best. If eating unprocessed plant-based foods and crushing a green smoothie every morning makes you feel like a million bucks and feeds your soul, keep at it. But if going out on Friday nights and drunk eating Five Guys with your friends feeds your soul, you can do that too. But never let yourself feel shame over the way your body looks. It is worthy of love and respect regardless of what it looks like.
All of that being said, I’ll answer some of your specific questions about eating in college!
Dorm room food (snacks, meals, recipes): If you want inspiration on creative dorm-room eats, I suggest looking at @wellnesswitholivia and @plant.based.jules accounts on instagram. Both Vanderbilt friends of mine, they’ve somehow managed to make dorm-room recipes luxurious and nourishing. I can’t exactly say I’ve mastered that art. But here are some ideas! Have a few of your favorite snacks on hand in your room. Think: popcorn, pretzels (Quinn gluten free pretzels from Whole Foods will change your life), protein bars (I recommend Garden of Life bars), trail mix, crackers (highly recommend Mary’s gone, banana, oatmeal, cereal etc. One thing my roommate and I did this year was create a jar in which we mixed our favorite snacks. Each week when I went grocery shopping, we’d refill our jar. It was a super fun thing we did, and although we often ate the entire jar in two days, it was the perfect snack.
Here’s our iconic jar recipe:
Hu Kitchen Chocolate covered cashews
Quinn Gluten Free Pretzel snaps
Sprouts cinnamon candied pecans
Sprouts Paleo trail mix
Himalayan sea salt popcorn
Plantain chips
Other things you might want to have in your (mini) fridge: greek yogurt for a high protein, blood sugar balancing snack, One Mighty Mill bagels, cold brew coffee, hummus, vegetables, nut butter, and if you’re someone who likes a quick, nourishing sweet snack, I recommend ordering some French Squirrel Berets. They’re perfect for balancing blood sugar, high protein, and will keep you satiated before a workout or during a study break.
As for dining halls, my advice is simple: do not be afraid to ask for what you want. That’s the only way you’ll ever get it! Especially if you’re someone with a dietary restriction or sensitivity, be wary of the ingredients being used. A lot of dining walls will use inflammatory oils (canola, sunflower, soybean etc.) that can be seriously detrimental to your health, even after just a few weeks of consumption. Other ingredients to look out for that will wreak havoc on your gut are: any artificial sweeteners - anything ending in -ose (fructose, dextrose, Sucralose, etc.), processed soy, and highly processed flours. I’m not saying that you can never eat these things; just be aware of the fact that consistent consumption of these ingredients can suppress your immune system, increase brain-fog, and just generally make your body feel out-of-whack.
Allocate a certain amount of money for eating what you like and what your body likes. If you don’t handle your own finances, discuss this with your parents or whoever is funding your spending. For example, there’s a place in Nashville called E+Rose Wellness Cafe that I love. Because E+Rose is so focused on mindful eating and non-processed ingredients, I found myself eating there more than I was eating on campus. It is the kind of food that aligns with me. But it wasn’t cheap to be eating there so often, so my parents and I settled on a budget for how much I could be spending there a month. Of course, this is a luxury afforded to me because of my financial status, and thus it’s not an option available to everyone. But I recommend allocating a certain amount of money a month, however much money you deem appropriate, to eating food that you enjoy & you like as an investment in your health.
Lastly, grocery shopping. I am a chronic over-shopper when it comes to groceries. t’s better to purchase less and have to go back than to go overboard and have things spilling out of the mini-fridge in your dorm-room. Shop for staples like nut butters, hot sauce, protein bars, oatmeal packs, etc. in the beginning of each month so that whenever you go grocery shopping after that, you’re not over-shopping and buying things you already have. Here’s my rule of thumb: make a list of whatever you think you’ll need for the week, but keep it short. And then buy one or two speciality items. Maybe that’s a bag of cookies or a new snack you’ve been wanting to try. Depending on your proximity to a grocery store, this method is pretty fool-proof.
Try your best not to stress so much about eating in college. It’s just like eating anywhere else, but society puts an absurd pressure on you to maintain the weight you enter freshman year with for the next four years. It’s just strange. Nourish your body free of shame. You’re there to learn, make friends, and experience life — you can’t do any of those things to your best ability if you’re hungry.
Part II: Relationships in College
Navigating romantic relationships, or at least non-platonic relationships in college can be a challenging thing. I’m sure there are entire books on it. I have a post about relationships on the blog, in which I basically talk about how exhausting it is watching people romanticize toxic relationships and accept relationships that revolve around “playing games.” This culture is facilitated by the fact that so much of our lives exist on our phones and thus, an open Snapchat arrow becomes a tactic for expressing disinterest instead of simply telling someone you’re not interested. I wrote in the piece, “a double tap on a photo from the person you like becomes a validating virtual compliment. It’s a flawed model of relationship building.”
People will say that it’s immature to subscribe to this fraught dating culture. And while yes it’s immature to treat someone’s heart like it’s a random object devoid of value, in most instances the way people behave is just downright disrespectful. This immature or disrespectful behavior isn’t exclusive to straight college guys, either — and to assume it is completely neglects the fact that all college age people, regardless of their sexual identity or sexual orientation, are capable of behaving in a way that is immature and or disrespectful. Nobody’s immune to it, because it’s not a character-flaw — it’s a generational epidemic. We’ve grown up in an age of media that has equated being immature, aloof, and inconsistent in relationships to being “cool” or desirable. I’m not saying you can’t participate in casual dating and hook-up culture or that doing so should be shamed — I’m saying that you shouldn’t allow people to play with your heart. Not in a relationship, not in the “talking” stage, and not if they’re just someone you’re kissing at a party. If someone’s emotionally screwing you or playing with your emotions, leave that person behind. RELEASE THEM TO THEIR HIGHEST GOOD, of course, but frankly, run the other way.
If someone you’re talking to is “playing games”or being unclear with you, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of reciprocating those behaviors. Even I find myself struggling to just be clear about how I feel with people. We participate in the game playing because we fail to recognize that if someone is playing games, then we’re probably better off without them. We find ourselves competing and think “well if I’m playing, I might as well play to win”. Our ego loves it. But we don’t want to attract people with our ego, we want to attract them with our soul.
If you want to attract emotionally unavailable people, by all means, activate people’s deep relationship wounds and attachment issues and voila, you’ll form some manipulative and fraught basis of a relationship. Don’t give just anyone your time and attention; your energy is sacred. Treat it that way. If you want to play hard to get, play hard to get because you care that much about the people you choose to give your energy to. Play “hard to get” because you want to protect your energy, not because you want to protect your ego from getting hurt.
Don’t let people waste your time, and don’t waste anyone else’s time. It’s inconsiderate, unproductive, and all parties involved deserve better. Clear is kind! Just be clear with people on where you’re at or how you’re feeling. Even if they don’t appreciate it in the moment, you’ll save them energy. They’ll be grateful in the long-run that you chose honesty rather than stringing them along only to hurt them in the end.
I’m telling you right now, I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who is immature, aloof, or inconsistent. I will shamelessly admit that I want to be in a relationship with someone who I feel incredibly loved by. Somebody who I love, someone who makes me feel comfortable and makes me laugh. Someone who I can look at across a loud bar and just be proud to love. Someone who I can watch grow, and someone who values their independence just as much as I do. And if I don’t fit that in college, then that’s fine by me. But I won’t accept anything less than that because I know I deserve more. And really, I’m not special. Everyone should feel this convicted in what they’ll accept in a significant other. If someone doesn’t elevate your life, why would you give them your energy? I truly suggest writing out your values for what you want in a relationship. Assess them, internalize them, and don’t accept anything less. We accept the kind of love we think we deserve. And all of you deserve to be loved fully. Everyone reading this is worthy of that.
When you like someone, and I know this is way easier said than done, just tell them. A novel idea, I know. But when you tell them, remember that they have absolutely NO responsibility to reciprocate those feelings. It’s absolutely terrifying to tell someone that you like them if you’re scared of being rejected. So reframe it. You’re telling the person you like that you like them so that they know. This is going to sound painfully oversimplified, but if you actually like them as a person, and not just i-like-you-because-i-like-the-idea-of-dating-you then all you’re really doing is giving them a compliment. You don’t have to profess your undying love to them, and frankly, you probably shouldn’t. To be like “I love you so much, and I’d do anything for you” is really overwhelming to hear — especially if they don’t feel the same way. Instead, try something like “I just want you to know I think you’re really great.” It’s a good enough start for you to get the ball rolling. And if you tell someone that you like them, and they don’t feel the same way, don’t be embarrassed or ashamed. You spread some more love into the world simply by telling them. That love will find its way back to you somehow. It always does.
@itsmetinx always says that finding out that you don’t like something is just as valuable as finding out that you do like something. I think this dynamic applies here. If you tell someone you like them, and they tell you that they don’t feel the same way, then you’re able to move on. You’re one step closer to the person you’re supposed to be with. The epic love! How exciting is that? There’s really no way to lose when you look at it that way. And on the flip side, if you tell someone how you feel and they, by the grace of God, feel the same way, then what a gift that is!
Have fun, be clear, be kind.
Part III: Playing a Sport in College
I’m aware that this portion of the blog post likely isn’t applicable to most readers. But, if you’re reading this and you’re playing a sport in college, first of all: congratulations! Regardless of what level of play, continuing athletics into college is a feat unto itself. You should be proud of yourself for all of the work you’ve put in in order to get to this point in your athletic career. Even if you make it no further, know that you have achieved what was once merely a goal of yours, and that is worthy of celebration.
Playing sports in college is a really unique experience — that you will learn. It’s not worth comparing your college experience to the experiences of people who don’t play sports. You have a completely different lifestyle, and thus your lives will look very different. Neither lifestyle is superior to the other. In the same way that being a collegiate athlete is difficult, being a college student has its challenges. My point: avoid comparison, and express gratitude for your experience often so that you don’t lose sight of why you’re there.
Managing stress: My best advice for managing stress as a collegiate athlete is to make sure that you have a support system. This means: good friends (that includes friends outside of your team), open communication with coaches and staff, and ideally a therapist or someone who can give you objective guidance. The stress of wanting to perform, navigating the social aspect of being on a team, being a full-time student, all-the-while managing your personal life can feel like an unrelenting burden. But it doesn’t have to! If you have a support system, comprised of people you trust and love, it makes your life a lot easier. Some of my most cherished college friendships are with people who don’t play sports. Spending time with them reminds me that it’s okay to be a normal 19 year old human who is enjoying college, rather than a stressed out athlete who has no autonomy over my own schedule. Which leads me to my next piece of advice…
Scheduling! Part of being a college athlete is having responsibilities that your other friends may not have. Examples include: appointments, team meetings, watching film, etc. Being a very independent person who has always scheduled everything for myself, this was one of the biggest adjustments when I got to college. I felt totally out of control in my own schedule — like I could never keep up and was constantly disappointing myself and my team by not being able to show up fully for them or for myself. After months of being frustrated with the appointments that kept popping up in my schedule and the responsibilities piling up, I decided to just tell our staff how I was feeling. I told my trainer that I was really overwhelmed with the amount of responsibilities on my plate and that the packed schedule wasn’t helping. She thanked me for being open with her, and we worked together to minimize the amount of appointments and extra responsibilities I had. It was only in being open and honest with her that we were able to find a solution.
Thus, my next piece of advice is that communication with your staff is key to having a good experience. I am incredibly fortunate to have coaches who are truly amazing people, and I know that this is not exactly the case for many college athletes. But do your best to maintain an open flow of communication with your coaches. They don’t have to be your best friends. So long as you respect them and they respect you, that channel for communication should remain open and you should feel comfortable telling them how you’re feeling and where you’re at. If you don’t tell them how you’re feeling, they’ll never know and then you’ll never be able to find a solution.
Workouts: going into a college sport, all you hear about are terrifying run tests and daunting conditioning. Yes, there will certainly be a good deal of days when you’re sweating from parts of your body you didn’t know could sweat. There will be early mornings when you’re still half asleep but find yourself running sprints beside your teammates. You have two options: you could freak out about all of the tough workouts, and stress yourself out about a run test that hasn’t happened yet (and thus, you can’t do anything about) OR you could take a deep breath, release any stress about the impending challenges that might come your way and decide to just enjoy the process. Think about how lucky you are! You were given a human body, an ABLE human body, to be specific. A body capable of running and jumping and flipping and swinging and shooting. And now you get to run around with your friends and play a fun game for four years of your life. When you can look at it from that perspective, you realize that it’s super freaking fun that you get to be a college athlete. The workouts aren’t worth worrying about. They’ll happen, and then they’ll be over. Sometimes you’ll feel great and other times you’ll feel like you were hit by a semi truck. But if you keep a smile on your face the whole time, it’ll never cease to be fun.
Finally, let’s talk about balancing school and a sport. Even while playing a sport - and trust me on this - you will have a good amount of free time. You will absolutely have ample time to get your work done, but it is up to you do actually make your work a priority. If you aren’t making it a priority, you’ll feel like you never have time to yourself.
Simple tips:
Master time management by limiting time on your phone.
Find a study playlist that helps you to lock into your work.
Engage with your professors and participate in your classes.
Block time for studying - set a timer and work for x amount of minutes or hours.
Utilize the resources available to you: tutors, officer hours etc.
All of that being said, I want to address the apparent loss of the “athlete identity” for those of you who have played sports in high school, and enjoyed doing so, but are not continuing to play sports in college. When you grow up playing sports, the athlete identity ingrains itself in you. You gain a sense of purpose from playing sports. It’s a beautiful thing and it teaches us all valuable lessons in teamwork, healthy competition, communication, and pushing beyond our comfort zones. But then you get to college and you’re like: I’m not playing sports, so what do I do with this athlete identity that I’ve held so close for so long? It’s a difficult thing to give up.
Well, one day when I was considering ending my collegiate lacrosse career, I reached out to one of my close friends who is also a collegiate athlete to talk to him about what was going on. As it turned out, he was also in the process of deciding if he wanted to step away from college basketball. We talked through how we were feeling, why we were considering ending our collegiate careers, and what the implications of quitting would be. It was an extremely helpful conversation that I feel incredibly grateful for to this day. One thing that came up during our conversation was my friend’s fear of losing his “athlete identity.” He felt as though if he were no longer playing basketball on an organized varsity team, he could no longer call himself a “basketball player” - he could no longer call himself an athlete.
I will tell all of you what I told him: you are an athlete if you say you are an athlete. If you go on runs in the morning or lift weights once a day, you are an athlete. If you go to pilates once a week or surf for leisure, you are an athlete. You are just as much of an athlete as I am. You are JUST as much of an athlete as any division one all-star football player. If you want to maintain your athlete identity beyond playing organized sports, you can. Don’t let some strange model of organized athletics shame you into abandoning a part of your identity that means something to you.
Part IV: What To Pack (Dorm)
Dorm / packing advice: If there is anything you take from this, honestly let it be to approach your dorm with a minimalist strategy. This will make your life 100x easier when you have to move out at the end of the year. I’ve made fun of my guy friends for the whole navy blue comforter one-pillow interior design moment but honestly, I think they’re onto something. Less things to carry, less packaging (minimizing pollution), and less clutter. Yes, I know it’s fun to get the aesthetic picture of your dorm room. I don’t want to take that away from you or make you feel like you’re a bad person for wanting decorations. I’m really just telling you guys what I wish someone would’ve told me before freshman year. Your room doesn’t need to look like a prison cell devoid of color, and you definitely should have more than one pillow, but maybe nix the headboard and the five throw pillows. All you really need is a pillow, a blanket, a phone and laptop charger, school supplies, a mini-fridge, a microwave, some storage, and however much wall art you need to make your space feel like home.
Part IV: What to Pack (Closet)
As for clothes, pack things you’ll wear to class depending on your style: comfortable athleisure apparel, a few pairs of leggings, a few pairs of nice jeans, a few sweaters, your favorite hoodies, a jacket (depending on where you’re going geographically), some running shorts, comfortable tee shirts, and casual blouses. Beyond that, all you really need is going-out tops (I beg that you don’t purchase these from shein), maybe a few skirts, and some dresses for birthday dinners and such. If you’re rushing, I’d ask someone who’s actually in a sorority for advice on what to pack. I know it’s a totally different ballgame for rushing at some schools (like revamp the whole closet type ordeal) so if that’s your situation, then you might need to add some things to this list! Up to you. My advice remains: keep it simple. You can always ask your parents to ship you things from home if you find yourself really missing pieces of clothing. Again, there are many people who can give you advice on this… basically anyone who has ever gone to college will have an opinion on what you should bring. This is just mine!
The Bottom Line
The best advice I could possibly give anyone in college is to take each moment, each challenge, each day in stride. Buckle up and let life happen. As always, this doesn’t mean to take a back seat in your life and let chaos run wild. Rather, accept the discomfort of change. Look forward to the fact that what now feels novel will one day feel comfortable. That new friend who it’s still a little awkward with might one day be someone you can tell anything to. That new place that feels unfamiliar will eventually feel like home. Leaving home might feel terrifying right now, but try to recognize how beautiful it is that you have a place and people to miss. That you’ve created a life you fear losing. Change is temporary. Life is so transient. Allow each moment to flow through you, rather than holding onto the past of attaching to anxiety about the future. Even I’m the only one who tells you this today, everything will be okay.