Body Image During The Holidays (but also just in general)

I have a hard time believing that negative self-talk has a place in your 10 year plan.

With the holiday season comes the constant discussion of food, paralleled by the conversation about eating disorders on social media. If your feed looks anything like mine has this week, I’m sure you’ve all been inundated with posts and infographics about the stress of eating around the holidays, gaining weight, body-image and restriction. While the sentiment that this sort of content promotes is largely positive and encourages people to nourish their bodies free of shame, I cannot help but be saddened by the state of our culture when it comes to disordered eating and body-image, and how clearly widespread these afflictions are — particularly among women. 

I am incredibly grateful to be where I am now in my relationship with food and with my body. This same time one year ago, I was barely eating two meals a day; my state of being was fraught with anxiety about the impending holiday season and the eating/drinking it would entail. Not only was I a shell of myself due to malnutrition and consequent depression, but food and my body were pretty much the only things I thought about. It was where all of my energy went. When I wasn’t working out or fasting for hours, I was thinking about what I’d eat or how I looked. I would lay awake at night typing lists into my notes app planning “what I’ll eat tomorrow” and I’d spend hours trying out different poses in the mirror for size. Which one made me look thinnest? If I lean towards the left, suck in my cheeks to accentuate my jawline, flex my abdominal muscles and raise my arms to reveal the bones in my chest, then wow, I look perfect. 

It was miserable. 

I spent a very long time being both afraid of and obsessed with my reflection. Even as I began recovery last January, I would body-check in the mirror to make sure I wasn’t gaining “too much weight.” Simultaneously, I avoided my reflection or candid photos in fear of confirming those concerns. I feared that I’d look in the mirror or try on a pair of old pants and be faced with the reality that I did gain weight. I spent half of last winter biting the insides of my cheeks because I was insecure about the weight restoring in my face — I can still feel the scars as I run my tongue over the sides of my mouth. I had to start telling myself that I loved my cheeks, and that my fuller-face was fuller with joy and with light. Fuller cheeks came with a fuller smile and brighter eyes. Some days, convincing myself of these positives was far more difficult than others. But my struggles with body image have always been helped by baggy clothes and affirmations to myself in the mirror that I love you, and you are beautiful. 

And so it got better with time. Recovery from an eating disorder that involves caloric restriction is especially challenging because you pretty much know that you’re going to gain weight. So the battle isn’t trying to recover without gaining weight, because that wouldn’t be authentic recovery. Rather, the real challenge is accepting that gaining weight isn’t a moral failure and that your body is merely the vessel that enables you to love, learn, and live this human experience. 

All of this is simply to say: I have come a long way in my relationship with my body. Although I still have a skewed image of what my body looks like (thank you, body dysmorphia XO!) I decided this year that I could either dwell in the frustration of not knowing what my body actually looks like, OR  I could stop putting so much energy and vesting so much value in my physical appearance. Lucky for me, I chose the latter. I really thought that it was my body-image revelation. And in a lot of ways, it was revelatory for me. It sent me on a path of peace with my body, one that I am still walking on now. But just last week, I heard something on a podcast that resonated with me so deeply, it made me pivot in my perception of body-image as a whole. And frankly, I would be doing this audience a disservice if I didn’t share it with you.  

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The podcast simply explained the following: women are wasting their time and energy trying to fulfill the patriarchal archetype of the perfect female body. This largely unattainable standard of beauty, and really of worthiness, was intentionally designed by men, to keep women preoccupied with their appearance and out of power. 

And I know I have male readers, and it probably makes them as uncomfortable to read this as it makes me to write it. To be clear, I’m not casting blame. If anyone reading this feels uncomfortable or angry with their role in the conversation, please know that I’m not trying to belittle the plight of men who struggle with body image or indicting the male species for eating disorders. I’m writing about this because learning the history of body-image helped me understand how trivial it is and what a limitation caring about how toned I am is for my own personal success in the world.

How could women possibly rise in the ranks in business or politics or society if they’re always trying to attain the perfect female archetype of a body? How could women give everything to their dreams when they’re hungry or exhausted? I’m sure I sound vaguely melodramatic, but when you’re constantly worried about attaining a high-maintenance body type, it’s like having another job. 

So when I started thinking about all of this, I realized that every moment I spend looking in the mirror, tugging at skin and making sure my body hasn’t changed too much, I’m not only wasting my time but I’m also giving my energy to a cause that is nowhere-near aligned with my mission in life. 

I don’t say that I’m “wasting my time” to suggest that my body is something that cannot be changed. I’d be remiss to not acknowledge that our bodies are malleable. We gain and lose weight, and we watch people in our lives do the same. We can alter the way that we look in a multitude of ways. If that weren’t true, I’d simply preach that the way you look is out of your control and I’d give a heartfelt soliloquy about how if you cannot change something, you’re better off learning to love it. I would leave it at that. But clearly, that is not the case. I understand that it’s very easy—natural, even—to look in the mirror and criticize your reflection. I know it’s simple to think: if I just cut X amount of calories, get a tan, buy new clothes, get an eyelash lift and dye my hair, then I’ll be beautiful. Then, I’ll be happy. 

But, cliche as it may sound, happiness doesn’t come from the external. It comes from within you. 

So it’s not really about whether or not you can change your body. Of course you CAN change your body. But you have to ask yourself: Is that where I want to invest my time? Does changing my body get me closer to achieving my long-term goals? And am I willing to put myself through the misery of fixating on something that takes so much of my mental and physical energy to change? 

I say that we’re wasting our time being preoccupied with the appearance of our bodies because I’m pretty certain that when we were in elementary school dreaming up our futures and creating our goals, none of those goals had to do with our bodies. So every time I look in the mirror and spend even just a moment wishing away the reflection that looks back at me, I am betraying myself. I am betraying myself because I am taking away from my dreams. There are things I want to do and goals I want to achieve but every damn minute I spend in the mirror is keeping me stagnant; it is holding me back from achieving all that I want to achieve.  

I can get on stage and give the TedTalk I’ve dreamed of giving regardless of what size pants I wear. I can publish books regardless of how chiseled my jawline is or how good my makeup looks. Quite simply, so long as my organs are functioning properly, what my body looks like has nothing to do with my mission in life. My mission is to help people heal. It is to make people feel seen, and loved, and heard. The only role my body plays in doing that is being the vessel for my soul. Without my body, I couldn’t achieve my goals and dreams. That’s a given. But it should never be that you’re holding yourself back from your dreams because you’re more concerned about what you look like than what you want from life. 

YOUR DREAMS ARE YOURS IF YOU WANT THEM. SO GO GET THEM. I’M WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE I REALLY WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT. I WANT YOU TO BELIEVE IT. KISS YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND DECIDE THAT THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOURSELF AND THE WORTHINESS YOU FEEL HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR BMI OR IF YOU FIT INTO BRANDY MELVILLE JEANS. IN THE WORDS OF TAYLOR SWIFT, THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, I REALLY NEED YOU TO SAY “FUCK THE PATRIARCHY” AND RELEASE THE SHAME, BLAME, AND PAIN THAT COMES WITH TRYING TO ACHIEVE PERFECTIONISM. 

I cannot stress this enough: the appearance of your body is so wildly unimportant. And in fact, caring about how you look versus how you feel and what kind of person you are is a distraction. It is a distraction from your purpose, and it is a thief of your joy. 

This is truly the most heartfelt, passionate piece I’ve ever written. I hope that comes through. I thank God or whoever for guiding me to that podcast episode. It was the most freeing and empowering piece of information I have ever heard. It felt like an invitation to go take on the world, as a young woman. And it wasn’t just a fuck you to the patriarchy, either (I’m not really a fuck you kind of person if you hadn’t noticed). We all play roles in the perpetuation of the patriarchy—that’s not what this is about. It’s about freeing ourselves from our mind’s notion that we need to look a certain way to feel beautiful and worthy. 

You have dreams waiting to be achieved and barriers to break down. Friendships to be made and people to fall in love with. You have the world at your fingertips and you’re not getting anywhere being mean to yourself in the mirror or depriving yourself of food and joy. If anyone is going to hold you back from your dreams, whatever those dreams may be, it better not be you. 

Well, I digress. Happy Thanksgiving my friends! You guys are all rockstars and I am truly just endlessly proud of you. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you — for everything. For the love, inspiration, kindness, purpose, and community that you have afforded me over the past year. Forever, I am thankful for you. 

Big big love, 

Cail